The Psychology Behind Dominated

As an agency with years of experience working alongside dominatrixes in London and facilitating their services, we’ve often reflected on the psychological appeal behind submission. What drives so many people to relinquish control, and why is it that pleasure and pain so often go hand in hand? Why would someone genuinely want to be tied up, ordered around, or spanked by a partner? Well, in today's article, these are the sorts of questions we're going to be doing a deep dive into answering.

To those unfamiliar with BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Masochism), the desire to be dominated can seem puzzling. In reality, the urge to submit in a consensual context is more common – and more psychologically nuanced – than many assume. People from all walks of life, including confident leaders and independent thinkers, often find deep satisfaction in giving up control under specific, agreed-upon conditions. We're going to explore the psychology behind wanting to be dominated, covering the appeal of power exchange, stress relief and emotional release, personality factors, common kinks like bondage or role-play, and why submission can be a valid, healthy part of human sexuality. Throughout, we’ll emphasise that when done consensually, being dominated is about trust and personal fulfilment, not weakness or “being broken.”

The Allure of Power Exchange

In a consensual BDSM scenario, domination and submission (D/s) involves an intentional exchange of power between partners. One person temporarily takes the lead (the Dominant), while the other willingly yields control (the submissive). Crucially, this dynamic is negotiated in advance and built on clear consent, trust, and mutual respect. The submissive partner isn’t truly powerless – in fact, submissives often wield great power through their ability to set boundaries and decide what is off-limits. By agreeing on safewords, limits, and aftercare, both parties ensure that the power exchange remains safe and enjoyable. This foundation means a submissive can let go within the scene precisely because they know, on a higher level, they are safe and respected.

Many people find the act of letting go of control profoundly liberating. In day-to-day life, we’re taught to always stay in control of our jobs, our family responsibilities and our behaviour. Submission offers a reprieve from that pressure. When you willingly hand over the reins to someone you trust, it can feel like a weight is lifted. The Dominant is in charge for now, so the submissive’s mind is free to live in the moment without making decisions. Paradoxically, being commanded or restrained can feel freeing. As one sex educator put it, “Female submission does not mean oppression” – a person can be strong, confident, and feminist in daily life yet still enjoy yielding in the bedroom. In fact, choosing to submit can be empowering because it means you know your own desires and boundaries enough to explore them safely without shame. Essentially, you are in control of giving up control – and there is real power in that playful paradox.

Stress Relief and Emotional Release

Beyond the erotic turn-on, being dominated can serve as a powerful form of stress relief and emotional outlet. A common pattern is that people with very high-pressure or authoritative daily roles seek submission as a way to unwind. The trope of the powerful CEO who hires a dominatrix after work has some truth to it – for some individuals, submission is a chance to equalise their life. One dominatrix noted that many of her high-powered clients “are really powerful person[s]” in life, and being dominated lets them “give up all the responsibilities… and relax” by handing power to someone else. In a similar vein, handing over control to a trusted partner can feel like a mini-vacation from one’s worries. Chantelle Otten, a sexologist, observes that “relinquishing control to someone they trust” allows a person to “take a break from their day-to-day” duties. Instead of constantly analysing and making decisions, the submissive gets to “just enjoy the ride” for a while. For many who are used to running the world at work or home, it’s self-care to let someone else steer the ship in the bedroom. In this way, consensual domination becomes a pressure valve – a structured, pleasurable context to let go of stress.

Submission can also lead to profound emotional release. The intense physical and mental sensations of a D/s scene can trigger a natural high and catharsis. Submissives often talk about entering a blissful, altered state of mind known as “subspace.” In subspace, one might feel “floaty… no thoughts, all vibes” – essentially an endorphin-fueled euphoria where everyday worries fade away. “The brain is quiet,” explained one person, describing the sensation of floating on a little sea of serotonin during a deep subspace experience. This trance-like state has been compared to meditation or even a drug-induced high, and indeed, many BDSM practitioners report that a good session “was like taking drugs” in how it alters consciousness. Physiologically, intense stimulation (like pain play) releases endorphins and adrenaline, which can induce calm and pleasure simultaneously. Emotionally, being dominated can feel deeply cathartic – some submissives find themselves laughing uncontrollably or even sobbing happy tears as pent-up feelings are released in a safe space. “Cathartic crying” is not uncommon once a scene ends and the submissive’s emotions overflow in relief. Far from harming the psyche, these experiences can be healthy. In fact, research on BDSM indicates that participants often enjoy positive psychological effects like stress reduction, “a departure from adult responsibilities,” and even improved mood after their sessions. In short, a well-negotiated domination scene can act like therapy or meditation for some people, providing relaxation, emotional release, and a sense of peace once it’s over.

Personality Traits and Life Experiences

Is there a particular “type” of person who wants to be dominated? Not exactly – all kinds of individuals enjoy submission, regardless of gender or background. There are, however, some personality trends and life factors commonly noted. One observation is that high-achieving, in-control people are often drawn to giving up control erotically. A strong-willed, assertive woman who “runs the show” at work all day might happily submit in private as a way to balance her life. In fact, many women (and men) who are used to being in charge say they “like to just hand the responsibility to someone else” in the bedroom. They already know they can be dominant in real life – so being a submissive lover becomes a safe fantasy of not having to be in charge for once. Similarly, natural caregivers and decision-makers sometimes enjoy the role reversal of being told what to do, as it relieves them from their nurturing duties momentarily. This doesn’t mean every submissive is a boss at work, but it’s common enough that BDSM educators humorously call submission “the great equaliser” for stressed, responsible folks.

Personality-wise, some people are simply more inclined to derive pleasure from pleasing. A submissive often finds joy in serving their partner and making the Dominant happy. They might be empathetic, open-minded, and comfortable with vulnerability – traits that allow them to trust someone with authority over them temporarily. On the flip side, it’s critical to dispel the myth that wanting to be dominated means you’re weak or broken. Enjoying submission is not a sign of low self-esteem or past trauma. Extensive research has shattered the old myth that BDSM interests stem from abuse: a 2020 study of over 1,200 people found no significant link between having an interest in BDSM and having traumatic early-life experiences. In other words, being into spanking, bondage or role-play does not mean you “must have issues” – it likely just means you’re wired that way, or you find it exciting. In fact, the same study argued that BDSM should be regarded as a normal sexual variation that doesn’t deserve stigma.

It’s also worth noting how common the fantasies of domination and submission are. You might be surprised to learn that you’re far from alone in these desires. Large surveys have shown a substantial portion of the population has thought about or tried power-play in sex. For example, in a Canadian study, 65% of university students reported fantasising about being tied up by a partner, and 62% had fantasised about tying someone else up. Another survey of 1,500 adults found that over half of women (52%) and almost half of men (46%) have dreamed of being tied up during sex. And that’s just bondage/dominant/submissive role-play scenarios (like teacher-and-student or boss-and-secretary fantasies) were also reported as fantasies or experiences by roughly one in five people in a 2015 American sample. These numbers prove that the allure of domination isn’t rare or bizarre; it’s a relatively common fantasy that many people share to some degree. Some individuals feel these urges from a young age (perhaps without even knowing what BDSM was, they might have daydreamed about “giving in” to a crush or being playfully controlled). Others discover the D/s dynamic later, maybe through a partner or popular media (the explosion of interest after Fifty Shades of Grey is a notable example). In any case, a longing to be dominated often comes down to personal preference and curiosity, rather than any one life story or profile. Everyone’s path into this kink is a little different – and that’s perfectly normal.

Common Kinks in Submission

The desire to be dominated can be expressed in many different ways. BDSM is a broad universe, and “submission” might involve physical restraint, psychological surrender, or playful acting – often all of the above. Here are a few common kinks and fetishes that frequently accompany the wish to be dominated, and why people find them appealing:

• Bondage (Restraint): Being tied up or otherwise restrained is one of the most popular submission fantasies. Bondage can involve ropes, handcuffs, straps, or improvised ties – anything that physically limits the submissive’s movement. Psychologically, this amplifies the feeling of “I’m under your control.” When you literally cannot move without your partner’s permission, it’s the ultimate act of trust and surrender. Many submissives find that bondage allows them to deeply relax – once tied, they have to relinquish control, which can be thrilling and calming at the same time. The thrill of helplessness (knowing you’re at your partner’s mercy) is intense, yet it’s paired with the comfort of knowing your partner is taking care of you. Bondage is extremely common in fantasies; surveys show that being tied up is something over half of women and nearly half of men have fantasised about. From silky scarves to intricate rope harnesses, restraint play lets couples explore that power imbalance in a very tangible, visceral way.

• Humiliation Play: Another facet of domination is erotic humiliation – consensually being degraded or embarrassed as a turn-on. This might include name-calling (being called “bad girl,” “slut,” etc.), mild demeaning tasks (like kneeling, begging, or serving the Dominant), or structured role degradation (e.g. being treated as a pet or a “slave” in a scene). The psychology behind humiliation kinks is making taboo feelings like shame or inferiority into something sexually exciting. One clinical therapist explains that “erotic humiliation is the consensual use of psychological humiliation in a sexual context,” where a person gains arousal from the powerful and mixed emotions of being demeaned. Essentially, it’s the rollercoaster of feeling embarrassed and turned on simultaneously. For some, being called dirty names or told they’re “owned” by their partner releases them from the pressure to be good or perfect – it flips shame into pleasure. Of course, this kind of play only works with absolute trust (the submissive knows these harsh words aren’t “true” insults but part of the game). When done right, humiliation play can give a submissive an adrenaline rush and a sense of freedom from one’s ego. It’s also not as rare as people think; in one study of kink-oriented women, 43% said they enjoyed being sexually humiliated by a partner. The key is that, after the scene, the Dominant will comfort and build the submissive back up (aftercare), reinforcing that the degrading talk was role-play and that the submissive is respected and cared for in reality.

• Role Play & Power Fantasy: Role-playing is a common way to structure a dominance/submission scenario. Partners take on defined roles that carry a power difference – for example, classic scenes include Teacher/Student, Boss/Employee, Doctor/Patient, Owner/Pet, or even fantastical ones like Knight/Princess, etc. By stepping into a role, both parties get to act out a power dynamic with clear rules. The Dominant role might be strict, controlling, or authoritative, while the submissive role is dutiful, rebellious, or shy, depending on the script. Role play helps create a story around the domination, which many people find enhances the excitement. It can also make it easier to push boundaries – you might do or say things in character (like an arrogant master giving orders, or a “helpless” captive begging) that you’d feel too shy or awkward to do as yourself. It’s a bit like theatre or cosplay, but with an erotic twist. Power-exchange role plays are quite popular; one 2015 survey found about 22% of Americans had tried some form of dominant/submissive role-playing (think scenarios like the naughty student being disciplined by a teacher). These fantasies allow people to explore power dynamics safely – the teacher isn’t really abusing a student, it’s two consenting adults pretending, which makes it fun and removes real-world consequences. Whether it’s acting like a stern “Daddy” figure and a subservient “little,” or a military commander and cadet, the possibilities are endless. The role play gives a framework for both partners to lose themselves in the power fantasy together.

Each of these kinks – and others like spanking (impact play), sensory deprivation, or service submission – taps into the central theme of trust and power exchange. The specific activities someone enjoys will depend on personal taste and comfort. Some submissives love rope bondage but hate humiliation; others might crave verbal degradation but not physical pain. There is no single way to “do” domination – the common thread is that the submissive finds excitement and fulfillment in being on the receiving end of power, and the dominant enjoys providing that structure. All of it is negotiated so that both partners’ needs and limits are respected. When those pieces are in place, exploring these kinks can be incredibly rewarding for everyone involved.

Destigmatising Submission

Unfortunately, submission (and BDSM in general) has long been misunderstood and stigmatised. Some people have viewed the desire to be dominated as a sign that something is “wrong” – that it’s degrading, anti-feminist, or psychologically unhealthy. It’s time to put those notions to rest. Wanting to be dominated is a valid and often healthy part of human sexuality for a great many individuals. It simply represents a preference for a certain type of power dynamic in consensual play, not an actual desire to be harmed or a reflection of one’s worth outside the bedroom.

Modern research and mental health perspectives strongly support destigmatising BDSM. As mentioned earlier, studies have found no evidence that consensual BDSM interest correlates with past trauma or psychopathology. In fact, the psychiatric community has officially revised old definitions that once labelled BDSM behaviour as deviant. In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association updated the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) so that consensual kink behaviours are not considered mental illnesses. The distinction was made between non-consensual or pathological behaviour versus consensual fetish/kink: “Consenting adults were no longer deemed mentally ill for choosing sexual behaviour outside the mainstream. This was a huge step in affirming that enjoying role-play, spanking, bondage, etc., is not inherently pathological when adults agree to it. A 2020 research review likewise concluded that BDSM should be seen as a normal variation in sexual interest, “free from stigmatisation rather than [as] deviant behaviour. In other words, liking dominance/submission is just part of the rich tapestry of human fantasy and sexuality – it doesn’t make someone bad, broken, or abusive.

Far from being harmful, BDSM practices can have positive outcomes when done respectfully. Communication and trust – pillars of any D/s relationship – can actually strengthen relationships and self-awareness. Couples who explore kinks together often report better communication (since they must discuss boundaries and desires openly), more trust (you build deep trust by safely exploring vulnerable experiences), and even personal growth in terms of confidence and authenticity. One systematic review noted that consensual BDSM play can enhance communication skills, negotiation abilities, and trust between partners, as well as foster personal authenticity. Many who embrace their submissive or dominant side describe feeling more in touch with themselves, as if by accepting these “taboo” desires, they achieve greater self-understanding and relief from stress. Rather than eroding one’s agency, consensual submission can be an affirming experience: you are asserting what you want and actively choosing to explore it with someone, which takes strength and honesty.

It’s also important to highlight that being a submissive in bed does not carry over to one’s equality in real life. A common misconception is, “How can you be a feminist (or a proud, independent person) and still let yourself be dominated by a man/woman in bed?” The truth is, sexual role-play is separate from day-to-day social roles. You absolutely can be a feminist and also enjoy calling your partner “Sir” or “Ma’am” in a consensual scene – there’s no contradiction because **in a consensual scene, both partners are equal in their agreement. Remember, the submissive has consented to this dynamic and can stop it at any time. In that sense, the act of submitting is a gift of trust, not an admission of inferiority. As one BDSM educator famously said, “A sexual sadist practices on non-consenting people… someone who is kinky is having consensual, enthusiastically desired sex.” The difference is consent and desire. A submissive wants to feel dominated on their own terms, and that is a valid desire that deserves respect.

Wanting to be dominated is just one facet of the vast spectrum of human sexuality. For those who have this kink, understanding the psychology behind it can be liberating. You realise that it’s not “just you” – plenty of perfectly normal people crave the rush, relief, and intimacy that submission provides. There’s no shame in it. In fact, embracing consensual submission can lead to incredibly positive experiences: intense pleasure, personal insight, stronger relationships, and the sheer fun of exploring fantasies. By destigmatising submission, we encourage open communication and safe exploration, so that individuals and couples can pursue what fulfils them without fear of judgment.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, wanting to be dominated is not about weakness or humiliation in the negative sense – it’s about the human desire to explore power, trust, and sensation in a controlled way. When done ethically, it can be as healthy as any other form of consensual sex. For many, submitting to a trusted partner is a journey toward freedom from everyday burdens and a source of profound joy. Understanding that psychology helps all of us appreciate that sexual submission, far from being “deviant,” is simply another way that people connect, release, and find pleasure in their lives. And there’s nothing wrong with that – in fact, for some, it’s an amazing and empowering adventure into their own psyche and emotions.